


for those days we felt like a mistake

by ShanleenKinnJaskey



Series: author's favorites [32]
Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blangst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s03e14 On My Way, Gay Bashing, M/M, Past Suicidal Thoughts, Self-Esteem Issues, past self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-06 10:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5413010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShanleenKinnJaskey/pseuds/ShanleenKinnJaskey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When it comes time for Blaine to say what he's looking forward to in life, the reason why he wouldn't try to commit suicide, he says something no one expects.</p><p>Translated into Russian!</p>
            </blockquote>





	for those days we felt like a mistake

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whisper_arine1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whisper_arine1/gifts), [catastrophicsetback](https://archiveofourown.org/users/catastrophicsetback/gifts).



> Title is from "Marching On" by OneRepublic.
> 
> Translation into Russian available [here](https://ficbook.net/readfic/3961755) by whisper_arine1

_"I know_

_That you're tired of being alone..._

_I know you're trying_

_To fight when you feel like flying_

_But if you love me, don't let go_

_Whoa, if you love me, don't let go_

_Hold, hold on, hold onto me_

_'Cause I'm a little unsteady..."_

_-X Ambassadors,_ Unsteady

 

His first thought when they're going around saying what they're looking forward to is not marriage equality, or his future, or singing, or dancing. The only thought on his mind is the lyrics of the song he sang yesterday, the song which has been on his mind ever since he first heard it on the radio a few weeks ago when he was lying in bed recovering from the slushie. His thoughts are on scars, and trips to hospitals, and doubt.

He spends most of the time rubbing his right thumb up and down the scars on his left arm and watching Kurt, who spends the time looking at his feet, a distant, somewhat dark look on his face as if all he wants to do is leave. When it comes to Blaine's turn, his reply bursts out of him before he can control it. "I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down," he sings quietly.

Kurt's head snaps up to look at him, as do the rest of the New Directions, all of whom sport similar confused looks on their faces. "What was that, Blaine?" Mr. Schue asks, and Blaine swallows, wanting to melt away into thin air instead of answering.

He repeats himself anyway, mouth dry. "I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down," he says flatly, not singing.

Santana raises an eyebrow. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Do you want the truth?" He asks, trying to gather his thoughts.  _Please say no, please say no, please say-_ _  
_

"Yes," Santana says, "All the rest of us told the truth, you can too."

 _There's no way to quantify it_ , he thinks, there's no way to explain how he doesn't really think the way they do, how their dreams are automatically more important than their fears, how they just know that their lives are important enough to keep going. Their egos work differently than his- they think the world needs their imagination, their talent, their lives- he doesn't. He's never been able to work that way.

"I'm waiting for the day that my father can look me in the eye and I don't have to wonder if he hates me," Blaine says, not really looking directly at anyone's face. Instead he looks at a point slightly above his boyfriend's hair, trying not to focus too much on the situation at hand. "I'm looking forward to the day when my mother can look at me like I'm not a fragile statue and she's not worried about me breaking with a single touch. I'm looking forward to the day where my first thought in the morning isn't a question of my worth. I'm looking forward to the day where I can walk into a hospital and not think about how every time I've been there I've been put there by someone's hatred, whether someone else's or my own. I'm looking forward to the day that I can look at my arms and not see scars from the times I've been pushed too far. I'm looking forward to the day where I don't have to doubt that I have something worth offering to the world. I'm looking forward to the day where I can look in the mirror and say that the person looking back at me is beautiful. So, Santana, that's why I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down."

At this point he finally notices that he's talking to silence and he looks back from his spot staring above Kurt's head to see everyone staring at him, expressions a mixture of horror and nausea. He realizes what he's just said, what he's just admitted, and he swallows, waiting for someone to respond.

"That's why..." Kurt starts to say, voice choked up, but then he goes quiet. Blaine wants to hold his boyfriend's hand, wants to take comfort in the feeling of someone who supports him, but he can't. Kurt's on the other side of the circle.

Blaine nods. He doesn't pull his sleeve up to show off the scars, self-made and not, doesn't finish Kurt's sentence. He just sits there, waiting for someone else to say something.

"I know what you mean, dude," Artie says, voice not as confident as usual. Everyone turns to look at him, confusion written across their faces. "I mean, having something about you that everyone judges and pretends they understand but don't really? Something you can't grow out of, that you're stuck with for the rest of your life? I know how that feels, knowing you can't change yourself and you're going to have live with the slurs and bullying for the rest of your life."

Blaine nods, understanding what Artie is saying. "It's not that I hate being attracted to who I'm attracted to, because I don't hate falling in love, but sometimes I just wish I wasn't gay. I wish the universe hadn't been like 'hey, I know you're trying to just live your life, but sucks to be you' and hit me with this curveball." Out of the corner of his eye he sees Santana and Kurt with tears in their eyes, occasionally nodding in affirmation. "It's not like getting an F on a test- your entire world is changed in a single moment, everything you thought you knew knocked on its axis. I wasn't just Blaine Anderson anymore- I was Blaine Anderson the..." He swallows hard, remembering swirlies and locker checks and a baseball bat swinging at his face, then spits out the word, " _Fag._ "

This time Kurt doesn't stay on the other side of the circle. He crawls over to Blaine and hugs him. Blaine buries his face in his boyfriend's shoulder and lets out a shaky breath, trying not to cry.

"You know, it's kind of like our Born This Way number last year, remember?" Mercedes says, "The one thing you can't change. The one thing you get hated for without any reason, the one thing you wish was different. I know we were honest last year, but I think some of us have something worse and deeper that we didn't talk about when we discussing what to put on those t-shirts. I know personally I get discriminated against for being black, though it's never gotten to the levels Blaine's talking about. What about you guys?"

Mercedes' words seems to open up the floodgates. 

"For being wheelchair-bound," Artie starts off.

"For being foreign," Rory adds.

"For not having enough," Sam says.

"For being gay," Santana whispers. 

"For seeing things differently," Brittany says.

"For being Jewish," Rachel continues.

"For not having a father," Puck adds.

"For having made stupid decisions," Quinn spits.

"For not being able to sing as well," Sugar admits quietly. 

"For not being perfect," Mike frowns.

"For not being Asian enough," Tina says.

"For having two left feet," Finn continues. 

"For being an abomination," Kurt whispers harshly, the faint words horribly familiar against Blaine’s ear. Blaine looks up to find multiple New Directions holding hands or hugging each other, placing hands on each others' shoulders in an effort to comfort each other. Nearly everyone has tears in their eyes, and even Mr. Schue is looking a bit lost. Apparently this is not where he expected this conversation to go, and Blaine feels sympathy for the man.

"But," Blaine says, and nearly gulps when everyone turns to look at him. Kurt leans back a little to face him, and Blaine focuses on his boyfriend. "I'm learning how to deal with things. Being with the Warblers and you guys- especially you, Kurt- has helped me. Yes, people hate me for what I am, and there will always be those who will, but someday I'll be able to wake up, tell myself "They don't matter," and know what I'm saying is the truth. Everything we've said we're looking forward to- they can happen. They _will_ happen. We just have to believe- _I_ have to believe- that we are better than what they say we are. Yes, being gay makes me different, makes people look at me like I'm scum, but for everyone that looks at me like that there's someone like you guys who will tell me that I'm worth it."

There's a pause, silence hanging over everyone as they process what Blaine's said, and then Sam grins.

"That is seriously the best pep talk I've ever gotten. Mr. Schue, you're going to have to work on yours because that was fantastic."

And everyone bursts into laughter, mirth overriding sorrow and depressing thoughts. Blaine looks around at this strange, motley group of people who are laughing, tears drying on their cheeks, and feels like just maybe he might already be believing the words of his speech.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to eave kudos and comments! Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Felt Nothing Like The Weight Of](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6462028) by [vexedcer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vexedcer/pseuds/vexedcer)




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